Chasing Highs

I wrote this poem 6 days after returning from Costa Rica. This was the first of many, during the beginning of my journey to understanding and loving myself. The photo was taken during a trip by myself to New York. I had made a promise to Scott not to talk to Candace anymore and I was desperately looking for answers, desperately trying to understand why this connection would be placed in my life if I could not pursue it, and trying to see the beauty in it, even though it was causing me so much pain.

Chasing Highs.

In my exploration for inner peace
I recognize
An inability in me
To just
BE.

Love me.
Leave me… alone.
No wait. On second thought…
Don’t.
Don’t ever leave me on my own.

I am an excitement addict.
Constant highs to keep the lows at bay.
Those inevitable lows… avoided if I keep chasing the highs.
The higher the better.
Better, bigger, funner, more.
Love me, want me, chase me, help me.

All or nothing.
Always been me.
Never knew it could be
Affecting me
So negatively…
Such a killer…
Something I could change.

Last to bed
First to laugh
How many friends
Must I collect
How many connections must I make
Til I connect with ME?
When will I be okay with being with just me?

100 percent
Black and white
Extreme
To the max
Chasing that high.

More coffee
One more drink
One more hour
Just a little more
Desperate for attention… connection… emotion.. obsession.

Lets dance. Lets laugh. Lets analyze… anything.
Anything
so I don’t have to deal with
Silence.
My nightmare…
Avoiding myself.

First step is acceptance
Next step love.
Loving ME for once.
Not looking for others to love me.
Loving ME.
No more checking texts or Facebook incessantly.
Who loves me? Who?
Im desperate for you
To show me you haven’t left me.

Well… I haven’t.
And I’m you.
You are me.
I am whole.
I am strong.
I can be calm.
I can just be.

Highs and lows
Theres gotta be
Somewhere inbetween
Where I can just…

Breathe.

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