It was more than an attraction. More than chemistry. More than a spark. It was a feeling of coming home, like looking in a mirror and seeing a piece of myself I never knew was missing. It was like déjà vu mixed with a foreshadowing of the future. We knew each other already, we were sure of it. We kept saying we must have had a hundred past lives together. I don’t think its even possible to explain or truly understand unless you’ve experienced such a connection… but our souls recognized each other. It was unconditional love right off the bat.
They say when you know, you know… And we definitely knew. Even though in the beginning, it hurt to know. By day 2 of Costa Rica I knew something was happening between me and Candace and I was completely confused by how to handle it. I was living a double life; one minute trying to deny my feelings and enjoy this trip with my husband, and the next trying to pursue and understand this connection with someone I barely knew but was falling in love with. It was a mix between a romantic love story and a dramatic horror show.
A lot happened in 7 days. We spent many long walks on the beach trying to understand why this beautiful connection would be put into our lives if I was unavailable. Was God trying to tempt us to teach us something? It seemed so unfair. We tried to see the good, tried to feel grateful that we met each other even if we couldn’t be together. But it was hard, even so early on. We would hold hands on the way home from the bars at night and we felt like a couple. It felt so right… there was this magnetic magic between us. We stayed up one night talking from midnight until 5:30 in the morning. There was no concept of time when we were talking (there still isn’t!). Several times I would feel so overcome with anxiety and guilt that I would sneak away to her room and just sit there and cry. She would tell me we had to be calm, have faith, let things evolve. That everything would one day make sense. I am ashamed to admit that by the end of the trip, I ended up cheating. I will never forgive myself for the way I handled everything. I didn’t trust myself. I looked to everyone else for answers that only I could answer. Not my mom, not Scott, not therapists… not even Candace. For months I made bad decisions like sneaking away to the Apple Store to call her and beg her to tell me she wanted to be with me. She would not do that. She did not want to break us up and the decision had to be mine. Eventually I made enough bad choices that I ended up getting caught, and Scott cut the cord and he let me go. He saw the writing on the wall, that my battle with anxiety, especially over the last year and a half, had come to this and it was time. I have had a really hard time explaining more about how I met Candace because it has been really hard for me to admit that I cheated. I never was a cheater. I always considered myself a moral, loyal person. I don’t want anyone to think I don’t have regrets or remorse, because I do. I fell in love, and I messed up and I will have to live with that.
When I got home from Costa Rica I poured myself into reading about soul connections. I always believed in soulmates but had never studied much about them. I came across this esoteric, New Age concept called a Twin Flame, which is supposedly the mirrored half of your own soul. I know this sounds crazy but the signs of finding your supposed Twin Flame are exactly what Candace and I experienced: a feeling of already having known each other, intense eye contact, feeling each others moods, telepathy, immediate empathy and unconditional love, magnetic energy and attraction, a similarity in birthdays (we are one day apart from being exactly on each others half birthday) even seeing the spiritual numbers 111 and 1111 (we later realized we met on 1-11 and Candaces room in Costa Rica was Room 111). It all sounds kind of insane. I know that. But when it happens to you, reading this stuff makes a whole lot of sense. The more I read the more interesting it got. They say you come together with your twin flame to make each other better and to do good in the world. We have felt that since the beginning… that we make each other better and that we want to help other people. They say often times one person is unavailable because they’re in another relationship or because of distance, we had both. There is so much. I will include some links at the bottom. I’m so interested in this concept and have been loving how many people have been telling me their own stories about soulmates. If you think you are with your soul mate or “twin flame” … tell me. I want to hear your story 🙂 My email is firstname.lastname@example.org
And here are some articles if you are a spiritual weirdo like myself 😉