always part of me

by emily burke

Everyone called me brave… but I felt like a coward. I had done some bad things, and in my darkest hour, I deeply hurt the person I promised always to love and protect. I was so confused and depressed after Costa Rica. I wouldn’t say I was truly suicidal, but there were times I would walk across the street and sort of envision getting hit by a car. I just wanted the crippling anxiety to be over. I hated being in my own brain and just wanted to be somewhere, or someone else. I acted in ways that were completely against my true character during the next 2 months. I was stuck. I wasn’t ready to leave, but couldn’t get her out of my head. I would yoyo back and forth between wanting to leave and wanting to stay.

Scott and I tried couples therapy, I journaled every day, got rid of cable, read books about soul connections as well as marriage, sex and anxiety. I meditated, went on long walks by myself, wrote poetry and prayed a lot. For so many years I hated being alone, afraid of my own thoughts. I finally had to deal with them.  I tried to make peace with my connection with Candace, tried to find a way to keep her as just a friend in my life. But it just wasn’t possible. After those two months of suffering through the anxiety and trying to pick up the broken pieces with Scott, I continued to make choices that hurt him. It was obvious I was not going to be able to get over this connection. I had to make the hardest decision of my life, and end my 9 year relationship with my best friend, and the best man I’ve ever known. And it wasn’t just about my relationship with Candace… I had to be brave and realize that it was time for both of us to move on, whether I ended up with her or not. So on March 12th, after some of the most heartbreaking days of my life, Scott and I decided to divorce. I can never express my gratitude for the way he handled everything with me. I truly didn’t deserve it. I hope people are inspired by him. He is such an incredible example of grace, forgiveness and unconditional love. He has proven that divorce doesn’t have to be ugly. I am so blessed to have him in my life, and he will always be a part of me and my journey on this earth.