sand and souls

During my struggle, I kept saying to myself and to many people in my life that I needed the Universe to step in. I didn’t know what the right decision was and I needed help. I also kept saying that I wished I could just switch them. That Scott could be my best friend, and Candace my lover. And that is exactly what I got. As I write this, my lovely future ex-husband is in Denver getting his hair cut by my beautiful girlfriend. Yep. This is happening. This is my reality, the one that I manifested 🙂

I decided to jump ahead to the present for today’s post because the last three have been so heavy and so emotionally draining that I needed to show that we really are happy… all three of us! Life is good. It also felt a bit serendipitous to write this post today. Serendipity, or “signs from the universe”  have been a part of our daily lives since Candace and I met. Today, as I was struggling with what to write about, Candace and Scott found themselves on an accidental FaceTime call! Mine and Scotts accounts are still linked, and when I missed her call, Scott answered from his computer to be funny 😉 Candace had actually been meaning to call him this morning about an opening in her schedule. So, the Universe threw this post into my lap. As usual… thanks Universe!

I’ve always believed in manifesting and the idea that we have the ability to create our own reality. The law of attraction, the secret, the power of intention; all these concepts had been ingrained in me by my parents since I was a kid. I never read too much about them until recently, but you could say that they were almost like my families religion. Scott, Candace, and I all practiced these beliefs without being completely aware of it. Scott has always been a doer. He just makes things happen once he sets his mind to it. This weekend he came in 37th place in the 13 mile Spartan Beast in Breckenridge, CO against a few thousand people. And even just today he called to tell me that he will be teaching an obstacle course class that he created himself at his gym.  Candace started listening to CDs about manifesting just a few months before meeting me. She had been saying outloud to many people in her life that she wanted to stop dating men and was ready to be with a woman. We both feel we manifested our meeting at the perfect time, when we were finally ready to meet each other. As for me, my parents always repeated the phrase “do what you love and the money will follow,’ and I ended up with a job that I love so much that it doesn’t even feel like work. When I quit my day job at the NY Daily News to start my own business people thought I was crazy. When Scott quit his job and we bought a house on the same day to expand our business to Denver, people thought we were really crazy.  And now, people probably think we are borderline insane. Happily divorcing, continuing to be business partners, starting a new chapter as one big, happy, unconventional family. Sometimes, manifesting what YOU truly want makes other people uncomfortable. And thats okay. Because we are all on our own journey to finding happiness in this life. Our paths are all different, and that is a beautiful thing.

If we had never met I may have never left. In many ways I loved my life. I was married to my best friend, and sometimes that truly felt like enough. But there was all too often this little voice in my head calling me a liar. That I wasnt being fair to myself or to Scott. That eventually, one day, I would need more. I would often look in the mirror and stare at myself thinking, “who. the hell. are you.” I knew who I was when I was with her.

Finding Candace was like discovering a piece of myself that I never knew was missing. She was charismatic, magnetic, beautiful, fun and a calming, balancing force to my anxious, energetic self.

By the second or third day of the trip I knew something unexplainable was happening between us… something almost other worldly. The first moment that sticks out for me was when that silly Liz Phair song “Why Cant I” came on. This weird sensation washed over me. My friend Dana explained it as “pre nostalgia.” It was a feeling similar to de ja vu… almost like I was experiencing a future feeling between us that didn’t quite make sense yet since we didn’t know each other. I looked at her, we made eye contact and both felt this magnetic spark between us ignite, as if our souls were recognizing each other. After that, things escalated really quickly. I wanted to tell her my whole life story, I couldn’t stop thinking about her and whenever she wasn’t near me I missed her and wondered where she was. We became inseparable and one night ended up talking until 5 in the morning, about our life stories, spirituality, and our connection. There was this insane unconditional love growing between us and our connection was something I had never experienced before. We couldn’t figure it out. We kept saying we felt like we had known each other in a million past lives. I felt comfortable talking to her about all of the doubts and fears that I had never admitted to anyone and had hardly even admitted to myself. That I was confused, that something in my relationship was missing. The floodgates had been opened and while our relationship made me feel alive, loved, excited, connected… I also felt absolutely terrified and stricken with anxiety. The next 2 months would turn out to be the darkest period of my life… trying to save my marriage but knowing I had found my soulmate.