I wish there was an easy answer to this question that I know many people in my life have asked themselves, and that I am still to this day confused by. There are so many layers to it that its hard to give a straight answer (no pun intended ;-p). It was partially that I didn’t have enough trust in myself. My brain, my heart and my gut would all battle against each other and I didn’t know which one to believe. You could blame it on anxiety… that I didn’t know which anxieties were just fears, and which were gut feelings I needed to listen to. I remember being young and having these thoughts about my sexuality and desperately wanting them not to be true… so perhaps you can blame it on my belief that you can manifest anything. I believed I could be anything I truly set my mind to, including straight. You can also look at my attractions towards other people. In the sexuality department I would say Im more attracted to people based on connection. I very rarely notice people purely based on the physical, and so because of that I was confused if I fit into any category at all. Then throw in loving a man so much… loving who he was, his attention, being with him all the time, being so in tune with each other, making each other laugh all day… it felt right enough.
So no… I didn’t “know” for sure. In the depths of my soul I knew. And I can say that because the thought “I think I’m gay” would pop into my brain daily.. and very often while looking in the mirror. But there were so many other thoughts, feelings, emotions that kept me from seeing that deep inner knowledge as the absolute truth, even though it was there all along. I am now, because of years of confusion, having to rebuild my relationship with myself. I’m learning not to be afraid of my thoughts, to let them in, feel them, acknowledge them, sometimes analyze them and sometimes release them. I am hopeful that slowly over time I will be able to repair the trust I lost with myself so many years ago.
So many people have been emailing me lately with stories that are similar to mine, asking for advice on what to do. They didn’t know for sure either, now they do, and they feel its too late. My feeling is that we are all different and our souls are all here for different reasons… to learn different lessons. While my story may resonate with some, and may inspire some to follow their hearts, it also may not be right for everyone. In the end, we find true happiness in ourselves. Some people may be able to find happiness in the situation they are in, and others may need to take the hard road and leave. We all need to trust that inner voice we have… what does our soul truly want? Can we create our own reality while trying to protect the ones we love as best we can? Can we live a life of truth while honoring our past? Can we find happiness in our own hearts without looking to other people to find it for us? In the end all we have is our own truth, and we want to look back at the life we lived and know that we lived it as best we could, with joy in our hearts, peace in our minds, and knowing that we did everything we could with as much love as possible.
There are many times lately that I feel myself becoming more spiritually aware… to the point where it almost hurts. It is uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and chaotic feeling. I don’t always have the words to describe the feeling, to explain what it is my brain and my soul are experiencing. I read about it, listen to podcasts about it, talk to other like minded people about it. Concepts about ascension, astrology, soulmates, angels, spiritual enlightenment… its also new to me. It sometimes seems silly to blog about something I have a hard time putting into words. But maybe some of you know the feeling I’m experiencing and can relate and give me the words I can’t find. I just feel like I am on a journey toward inner peace, but the journey in this moment doesn’t always feel peaceful. It feels like a purging.
For so long I’ve lived with anxiety. With a burning in the core of who I am that I’ve silenced, denied and buried. That feeling lingers, even though I am now living my truth. That demon isn’t dead yet. I don’t know how to completely kill it… but I am trying. I see the bliss and peace in myself that I want. But how do I not stress about not being there yet? I spoke to a friend yesterday about “my anxiety disorder.” And she told me the first step to getting out of my own head is to stop labeling myself. The more I repeat the words “anxiety disorder” to myself, the more anxiety I am going to create. Well golly gee.. duh! I listen to Abraham.. I believe in creating your own reality. I should know that by now.
I am starting to learn that no one else can “fix” me… and reading that I don’t even need to be fixed. That I am perfect as I am in this moment, that I am safe and that evolution is a gift. I am trying to enjoy my alone time, something I used to hate. I am trying not to judge myself for my struggles. I am trying to do the things that bring me peace more often. Journaling, singing, learning about spirituality, running, writing.
I don’t really know what this post is even about other than to let you know if you are feeling what I am feeling… you aren’t alone. Supposedly 2015 is the year of spiritual awakening for a lot of people. So… I guess lucky for us that we are among them 😉
Here’s a little Abraham clip that made my day today 🙂 Candace and I are going to be attending the workshop in October.. I can’t wait!!
We obviously love the beach… and Candace loves yoga. So I think Can In The Sand posts will happen after every trip we take 🙂 A little photoshoot with a trip descrip! Hehe.
Can and I just returned from an unforgettable, memory filled trip to Vieques, Puerto Rico and we fell madly in love with this magical little island. The beaches were epic, we had some of the best food of our lives, the town of Esperanza felt like home, the bioluminescent bay was truly miraculous, and the whole island had a relaxed, positive vibe that makes you want to uproot your life and join the locals in the paradise they’ve found.
Our trip started with such a fun little surprise on the puddle jumper from San Juan to Vieques… we ended up on our own flight (randomly on the way home too!!!). So Can got to sit up in the front with the pilot and we felt like total royalty… such nerds we are. I’ve always been afraid of flying. I didn’t take a flight until I was 20 years old because I was convinced I was going to die in a plane crash. I literally made my mom go to a psychic before my first flight to make sure I was going to live. Dramatic much? Anyway, I was scared. But it ended up being incredible, super smooth, a beautiful view, and a bit of a rush!!! I felt like I conquered a major fear while I was up there.
We stayed at the Hix House in the center of Vieques. Surrounded by gardens, made of concrete with an open layout and a design that’s inspired by natural elements and focused on conserving commercial energy, it was truly something special. (You can read more about John Hix’s design philosophy here http://hixislandhouse.com/vieques-hotel-design-by-john-hix/) We woke up every day to open air, a view of the ocean, and the sound of birds and frogs singing to eachother. We started every day with coffee on the deck, and enjoyed the fresh baked bread and eggs which were restocked daily. Each unit even had an outdoor shower… major bonus!!!
There are so many beautiful beaches in Vieques and they are all so different. The last 2 days of the trip we rented a jeep and hopped around to a bunch of them and obviously had a few photo shoots 😉 Most of the beaches are sort of hidden and hard to get to so we were lucky enough to have one of the local bartenders sharpie up a map for us with directions to these hidden gems. We absolutely loved being the only ones on the beach at Punta Arenas, the hiking trails at Playuela, kayaking and walking the perimeter of Sun Bay, and watching the sunset from the insanely beautiful beach at the W Hotel.
The food was so insanely delicious. Our first meal out was at El Quenepos in Esperanza and we ended up going back 3 more times during our stay!! The crab soup and the oyster appetizer were absolutely insane and Candace was a huge fan of the pretzel encrusted scallops. We also really enjoyed the ceviche at Duffy’s (although we both had an allergic reaction to it… still insanely delicious and worth the red splotches on our faces lol), the escargot at Bananas and the sushi at the Tin Box.
Along with the food and beaches, I would say The Bio Bay was definitely the highlight of the trip. We did the clear bottom boat and it was so magical seeing all the organisms light up. I am pretty embarrassed to admit that we broke the rules and jumped in the water. It wasn’t until a few days later that we found out how disrespectful it is to the locals, we could have gotten a huge fine and we also put ourselves in danger. There are actually several breeds of sharks that live in the bay, and there was a girl that got bit by one in 2011. Apparently our tour was a little bit shady compared to the others. They gave us no information on the bay. They took us out in the boats, told us not to jump in because “sun tan lotion hurts the fish” and let us roam around by ourselves. Well, we had seen photos on google of people in the water and we weren’t wearing any lotion. So we jumped in… twice. The next day we found out that not only could we have been fined a pretty penny, but we also are lucky we didn’t get bit by anything. OOPS. Probably my biggest rebel moment ever… by accident 😉
(no pics from bio bay but we jumped out of our kayaks the next day too, so heres a picture of that hehe. oops.)
It was such an amazing trip all around but the best part was simply getting to spend time together. Really the last 5 weeks have just been so incredible getting to live with Candace. Living together obviously takes any relationship to a totally new level, especially when you work from home and are together 24/7. You learn to blend your routines and habits. You learn what makes each other tick, what each other needs throughout the day and how to adjust and compromise your own needs for theirs. You see that your love is more than just the fairy tale feelings you have. You see each others flaws, the mood swings, the emotional baggage. You see it all. And you see the beauty in it. You grow more in love because you feel that unconditional love when you bare it all. You heal each other. You see that it isn’t just about your connection… its what you do with that connection. Its not just about falling in love, its about growing together in love. And helping to inspire each other to grow and evolve as individuals… to be the best you can be separately and together.
Seriously… people of NYC and especially my clients… take me up on this. Candace is an incredibly talented hair stylist with 17 years experience in Denver and she is now here in NYC doing hair out of peoples homes. If you need a blow out, style, cut and color, etc… she will come to you. Newborn clients, while I start working with your baby, you can relax and have Candace do your hair.. and she can stay and do touch ups! How perfect is that? We are super excited for her to start working here so please spread the word around!!
We have been so so so busy the last few weeks adjusting to life together here in NYC and we are just so excited for this next chapter. I’ve never really known what this blog would become but I think I am going to be blogging more frequently of just our daily musings… I know I still have lots more of our story to tell and I will continue to do that sporadically too 🙂
We are heading to Puerto Rico tomorrow for 6 days to celebrate love and life… so get ready for some gorgey pics!!! Here are a few we took this past week in the Hamptons… this was Candaces first time ever using my camera and she nailed it… I may have an associate photographer in training ;-p
She’s here, she’s here, she’s HERE!!!!!
After the craziest whirlwind week ever I am finally getting a chance to sit down and write about Candace’s big move to NYC. Its been awesome and crazy. Thank God Southwest lets each passenger bring 2 bags and 2 carry ons, because everything she was coming with fit into those 8 bags… she literally just gave away all of her possessions other than her clothing. Now thats love ;-). As if the flight situation wasn’t ridiculous enough with a sedated cat and 8 bags, we also ended up getting delayed 2 hours and then had to sit on the runway for 3 more. Oh.. and I should mention that Scott drove us to the airport. Thanks again Scott!
The last 6 days have been filled with exploring NYC, adapting a cat to a new apartment, catching up on an insane backlog of work, starting a paleo challenge, introducing Candace to my entire family, reorganizing our lives and taking lots of selfies!!
Oh… and maybe, just maybe watching this Buzzfeed video on repeat… because I ended up in it. Watch the first 18 seconds. Hilarious 😉
So folks, stay tuned. I’m keeping it short today but there is so much more to come. We are already manifesting so much for our new life together in NYC… lots of business ideas that I can’t wait to see develop. I am so excited to share my girl with you all. ❤
Today I am officially divorced. 29 year old, lesbian divorcee… that’s me! I wish I could say it’s a terribly sad day but it truly isn’t. I’ve seen how divorces normally play out and I’m just so grateful, and so proud of how Scott and I are handling ours. We are honoring our past together and looking forward to our future as friends and business partners. If you wanna get all spiritual with me, I believe we had a “soul contract” in this life. We were meant to be married and I have no regrets. We made each other better people. We grew up together. He taught me to be confident, pushed me to start my business, believed in me, and loved me unconditionally. I respect him so much. Most people in his position would have crumbled, or at least become angry and resentful. He treated me only with love. He saw the pain I was in and he did what was right for me and for both of us. We had an amazing 9 years together… and who says that divorce has to erase all that? Who says you have to go from loving each other to hating each other? Who says you have to throw away your wedding album, your pictures, your memories? Who says you can’t continue being best friends? Who made these rules??? We’re making our own rules. We choose love… the end can be just as loving as the beginning.
Scott, you will always be my friend… more than that really. You’re one of my soulmates. One of my partners in this life forever. Thank you. We had a kick ass wedding, created a dream business, and spent a killer 9 years enjoying life and traveling the world together, and I wouldn’t have changed a damn thing. Cheers to you, my loving, fun, forgiving, talented, smart, motivated and ever entertaining ex-husband… I love you. Thank you…
Ok folks, you asked for it and here it is. The meeting!!! I think the reason I hadn’t shared this yet is because we were… eh hem… kinda, sorta, slightly… drunk. Oops. It was Day 1 in paradise and we both got a little too excited to be there ;-). So my first impression of her was sort of skewed… and I thought her name was Gloria (long story lol). So we didn’t really start connecting until Day 2 when we were in a better state of mind, and Day 3 was when that Liz Phair song came on and we looked at each other, both said we felt oddly emotional and I felt that insane wave of pre-nostalgia/dejavu feeling wash over me. (Someone requested a Timeline from the trip, and I will absolutely do one soon!)
Also… while we’re on it… lets dissect that Liz Phair song. Because I swear it ended up outlining our trip.
Get a load of me get a load of you, walking down the street and I hardly know you, it’s just like we were meant to be.
(This line… it gives me chills. This is exactly how it felt.)
Holding hands with you when we’re out at night, got a girlfriend you say it isn’t right, and I’ve got someone waiting too.
(Yup. We held hands on the way home from the bars every night. And to add insult to injury, Candace actually had a boyfriend too.)
What if this is just the beginning, we’re already wet and we’re gonna go swimming.
(Now this is just weird. The first night we held hands on the way to the bar it was actually because we couldn’t find our group and it was pitch black out. We ended up running back to the resort and went into the ocean in our dresses.)
Why can’t I breathe whenever I think about you, why can’t I speak whenever I talk about you.
(This part is obvious. My entire being is on fire every time Im around her.)
Its inevitable, its the fact that we’re gonna get down to it, so tell me…
(Shes always been inevitable to me.)
I won’t write the entire silly song out but I will say that after Costa Rica the line “But wouldn’t it be beautiful” played over and over in my head every single day. It drove me slightly insane. And I was right… our love is insanely beautiful.
Anyway… this video is from literally 5 minutes after we first met. The actual first few minutes is a little fuzzy for me. I remember chatting about something with her and my best friend Erica, who was also on the trip with us. Candace actually just told me that she has a memory of telling me immediately that I felt so familiar to her. Then, Erica and I decided to walk down to the pool and Candace said “well, I guess I’ll come over there with you guys if thats okay” which now, thinking back on it, breaks my heart because she was there alone and didn’t really know anyone. I hope I was welcoming! Once we got down to the pool, Candace decided to show us her best pool trick. As soon as I saw how dangerous it was I was not having it. I didn’t even know this person and yet you can hear me in the background like a mother hen begging her not to do it. I was so worried and I was already trying to protect her. And the look she gives me still makes me laugh. She’s like “who is this girl?” and I wonder if she was having a bit of a premonition as well… like she oddly connects with me for a split second. She is very psychic after all 🙂
Without further adieu…
(Oh, and just a little side note… we found out yesterday that Candace was born in Room 111, and Im flying out to Colorado next week to help her move here to NYC (yay!) and the flight number is…. 111. Ya just can’t make this stuff up!)
It was more than an attraction. More than chemistry. More than a spark. It was a feeling of coming home, like looking in a mirror and seeing a piece of myself I never knew was missing. It was like déjà vu mixed with a foreshadowing of the future. We knew each other already, we were sure of it. We kept saying we must have had a hundred past lives together. I don’t think its even possible to explain or truly understand unless you’ve experienced such a connection… but our souls recognized each other. It was unconditional love right off the bat.
They say when you know, you know… And we definitely knew. Even though in the beginning, it hurt to know. By day 2 of Costa Rica I knew something was happening between me and Candace and I was completely confused by how to handle it. I was living a double life; one minute trying to deny my feelings and enjoy this trip with my husband, and the next trying to pursue and understand this connection with someone I barely knew but was falling in love with. It was a mix between a romantic love story and a dramatic horror show.
A lot happened in 7 days. We spent many long walks on the beach trying to understand why this beautiful connection would be put into our lives if I was unavailable. Was God trying to tempt us to teach us something? It seemed so unfair. We tried to see the good, tried to feel grateful that we met each other even if we couldn’t be together. But it was hard, even so early on. We would hold hands on the way home from the bars at night and we felt like a couple. It felt so right… there was this magnetic magic between us. We stayed up one night talking from midnight until 5:30 in the morning. There was no concept of time when we were talking (there still isn’t!). Several times I would feel so overcome with anxiety and guilt that I would sneak away to her room and just sit there and cry. She would tell me we had to be calm, have faith, let things evolve. That everything would one day make sense. I am ashamed to admit that by the end of the trip, I ended up cheating. I will never forgive myself for the way I handled everything. I didn’t trust myself. I looked to everyone else for answers that only I could answer. Not my mom, not Scott, not therapists… not even Candace. For months I made bad decisions like sneaking away to the Apple Store to call her and beg her to tell me she wanted to be with me. She would not do that. She did not want to break us up and the decision had to be mine. Eventually I made enough bad choices that I ended up getting caught, and Scott cut the cord and he let me go. He saw the writing on the wall, that my battle with anxiety, especially over the last year and a half, had come to this and it was time. I have had a really hard time explaining more about how I met Candace because it has been really hard for me to admit that I cheated. I never was a cheater. I always considered myself a moral, loyal person. I don’t want anyone to think I don’t have regrets or remorse, because I do. I fell in love, and I messed up and I will have to live with that.
When I got home from Costa Rica I poured myself into reading about soul connections. I always believed in soulmates but had never studied much about them. I came across this esoteric, New Age concept called a Twin Flame, which is supposedly the mirrored half of your own soul. I know this sounds crazy but the signs of finding your supposed Twin Flame are exactly what Candace and I experienced: a feeling of already having known each other, intense eye contact, feeling each others moods, telepathy, immediate empathy and unconditional love, magnetic energy and attraction, a similarity in birthdays (we are one day apart from being exactly on each others half birthday) even seeing the spiritual numbers 111 and 1111 (we later realized we met on 1-11 and Candaces room in Costa Rica was Room 111). It all sounds kind of insane. I know that. But when it happens to you, reading this stuff makes a whole lot of sense. The more I read the more interesting it got. They say you come together with your twin flame to make each other better and to do good in the world. We have felt that since the beginning… that we make each other better and that we want to help other people. They say often times one person is unavailable because they’re in another relationship or because of distance, we had both. There is so much. I will include some links at the bottom. I’m so interested in this concept and have been loving how many people have been telling me their own stories about soulmates. If you think you are with your soul mate or “twin flame” … tell me. I want to hear your story 🙂 My email is email@example.com
And here are some articles if you are a spiritual weirdo like myself 😉
Phew! I am just now getting a chance to sit back and reflect on the whirlwind of Pride week!!! Last Friday I got the call from my mom that gay marriage was now nationally legal. I cried. I FaceTimed Candace, she cried. My parents had already been planning to visit me later that day for the weekend and Candace flew in on Sunday night. It was so amazing to be able to celebrate with my parents, who have been so unconditionally supportive and proud of me, and then continue to the celebration with the love of my life.
Leave it to me to finally get okay with being gay right before all of this national celebration… as my parents said, I never did like to miss a party 😉 I feel so lucky that I was able to come to terms with my sexuality before this ruling. I love that I got to be a part of it. I wonder how I would have felt if I was still in the closet during this time… watching from afar… perhaps wishing I was brave enough to be open, out and proud with everyone else.
As soon as I heard the news, my friend Lindsay told me to head down to Stonewall Inn to watch the rallies with her, and we ended up on the front page of a few local newspapers, haha! For the first time ever I got to watch the Pride Parade, with my parents cheering and waving rainbow flags by my side. Then I got to spend a whole week with my love. We joke that we are the worst lesbians ever because we both don’t know anything about politics. A few weeks ago we were day dreaming about where we want to get married. Then we both started laughing because we realized most of the places we were considering haven’t even legalized gay marriage. We literally forgot we were in a gay relationship. When you’re in love, you don’t see anything but that person. You see their soul, you don’t care about their gender. We don’t feel there is anything “different” about our relationship, and it felt so strange in that moment, remembering that to a lot of the world, there is. So, we just feel so blessed to be a part of this time, to be living in this period of evolution toward a more equal world where we recognize that love is love is love is love.
I am finally so proud. Of who I am, of my relationship, of our country. I wish it was Pride weekend every weekend 🙂